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‘Gravity is just an allegation’

“I have mastered the art of levitation.”

“But Chowsef… you’re standing on the floor…”

“No I’m not. You’re just being negative.”

“You can’t levitate, Chowsef,” the Minister replied. “On account of gravity.”

“Gravity is just an allegation,” said Chowsef.

The Minister’s doubts were beginning to show. Mostly because Chowsef had said it with such conviction.

“Yes, an allegation,” said Chowsef. “That’s all. Fetch The Professor, he’ll understand.”

The Professor was fetched.

“Chowsef says he’s levitating,” The Minister told him, waving a hand in their leader’s direction. “What do you think, Professor? You’re an egghead, you know much better than the rest of us what’s true.”

The Professor chuckled in that knowing way Professors have.

“U ejjja, Chowsef, come on,” he said. “You know you can’t levitate. You are subject to gravity just like the rest of us.”

“Gravity is just an allegation,” Chowsef repeated. He said it like a stubborn toddler, but there was a strange gleam in his eyes.

The Professor was clearly taken aback. “I don’t see how that could be so…”

“Well, it hasn’t been proven in a court of law,” Chowsef said.

This struck home. The academic was now on the defensive.

“But if it was proven in a court of law…” The Professor said, “If a judge ruled that gravity is true and not just an allegation… then you would come plummeting to earth again…?”

“I suppose so, in theory. But that is an impossibility. Therefore we can cancel it out.”

“But why, Chowsef…?”

Chowsef let the suspense build for a moment, because he’d seen people do that in movies and it always worked really well. And then he lowered his voice and said…

“Because I appoint the judges.”

Never one to be left behind by intellectual contortions, not even first thing in the morning, The Professor had started to catch on.

“I also control the police,” Chowsef continued. “The judges can’t rule if the police won’t investigate gravity. And the police won’t investigate gravity because the judges won’t rule that they should.”

Chowsef shrugged. Shrugging was a very powerful gesture in his corner of the world.

“The case will never be decided,” he finished. “Therefore, gravity will always be nothing more than an unproven allegation…”

“And you will continue to float!”

Steam began to rise from The Professor’s bald head as his computational wheels ground into motion.

“Chowsef, this is brilliant. Because you control the judges, therefore you control The Truth!”

“Now you’re catching on,” Chowsef said, raising his arms to shoulder height and floating off the floor.

The Professor’s words blended together as he rushed from one monumental conclusion to another.

“You exist in an indeterminate state… Your ability to levitate hasn’t been falsified, so it must be true.” A name had to be coined for this new way. This new Roadmap for remaking reality. “You have invented Quantum Politics!”

The Minister looked from Chowsef to the Professor and back to Chowsef again, and he wasn’t sure which was crazier.

“But Professor…” he said, and then he uttered a series of “mela’s” that trailed off into the distance.

“Your doubts are showing through,” Chowsef said, turning his gaze on this unconvinced underling. “Surely you aren’t a Rationalist conspirator bent on seizing power? Why don’t you ask that man in the hallway what he thinks?”

The man was summoned.

“Chowsef says he’s levitating…” The Minister said.

The man from the hallway would have none of it. “Poppycock!” he cried, uttering a word he’d only seen in Victorian novels but had never had a chance to use in a real conversation.

“Would a Ministry change your mind…?”

The man from the hallway’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

Chowsef waved his fingers in the air and mumbled a magic word that sounded like “egg-runt”. Minister Dizzy appeared from a door, followed closely by Myron from Hexia B.S.

“Gentlemen…. meet the new Minister of Digital Doohickeys.”

The man from the hallway’s mouth dropped further, and he began to drool.

“Give him a car and driver, of course,” Chowsef said. “And an account in Dubai for his… commissions…”

Everyone chuckled, and Myron made notes, which he quickly shredded.

By this point the man from the hallway’s mouth was gaping so wide that we could see his dental work. And then it snapped shut.

“Chowsef is levitating,” he said. And what’s more, he said it with great conviction.

“Listen here, my Doubting Thomas,” Chowsef said, turning to the first Minister again. “You wanted to build a swimming pool and a new addition to your house…”

The Minister nodded.

“I know someone in the Planning Authority who will take care of that zoning problem for you.”

The Minister hesitated — very briefly — and then a change came over him, too.

He turned to the others and said, “Chowsef is levitating.”

“And…?” said Chowsef.

“And gravity is just an allegation,” the Minister replied.

And then they all looked at each other and laughed.

They laughed and laughed and laughed some more, as Chowsef floated off the floor and rose up through the ceiling — much to the surprise of those in the room above.

It turned out that ceilings were just allegations, too.

Halal(baloo): face it, you’re a xenophobe

Daphne Caruana Galizia

Daphne Caruana Galizia’s sons appeal for effective solutions to organised crime